Does my bum look good/big in this?” One of the most often-asked questions by women. This is followed by women who are so self-conscious about their bums they either disrobe in the dark with their partners in the room or turn their bums to the wall. Well, to all you self-conscious women, especially the middle-aged, whose bums look like the peel of an ugly orange, there is hope!
With cosmetics working wonders for most damaged facial skins, cosmetologists have come up with a wonder bum-fixer – it is called a `bacial’ – a bottom facial which, according to those in the know, is the hottest beauty therapy.
These days when self-portraits of posteriors are posted on social media, maybe your bum could do with a belfy too. Your significant other might even find it a turn-on, giving your sex life the boost it richly deserves!
Many of those undergoing the bum facials said they were motivated by seeing celebrities’ perfect behinds on twitter or Instagram. According to Esther Fieldgrass, the CEO of EF Medispa, “One of the most common complaints is a spotty bottom. Blemishes can be caused by anything from hormones to tight underwear causing friction and trapping sweat against the skin, but a bit of TLC can work wonders”. And when it comes to bottoms, one size apparently doesn’t fit all. That’s why each client is subjected to an assessment.
Kim, a recent convert recounts her experience: “I strip off my jeans and climb onto the massage table. My therapist then pull off my bikini bottoms and having endured the embarrassment of my 55-year-old buttocks being scrutinised under an unforgiving light, I perked up when she informed me that I was fortunate enough to be free of blemishes. But, she told me gravely years of neglect have left my bottom looking rather lacklustre. Some maintenance, she told me, was most definitely in order. That what were once dimples on my bum were now plain cellulite.
“She then prescribed a `smoothie’ which wasn’t a drink but a chemical peel aimed at removing dead skin cells. This was to be followed by LED light therapy – a non-invasive treatment using a light-grade cold laser to heal problematic skin. But first my buttocks were massaged with tea tree cleansing cream. While having a stranger pummel my bum was peculiar, I did feel my bum begin to relax!
Next came another cleanser, using a toner that aimed to increase skin cell turnover, and then it was time for the smoothie – a gentle peel that will restore a glow without visible irritation. She pressed the mask on and left me to relax for 15 minutes while the mask move its magic. I couldn’t help wondering what on earth my husband would make of all this if he could see me wearing nothing but a mask across my bum!
“After a quarter of an hour has passed, damp, warm flannels were used to wipe off the mask, leaving my buttocks invigorated. Then it was time for the sciencey bit, with a little LED light therapy – which uses a combination of coloured lights to promote the healing, correct pigmentation, help with any scar tissue and encourage circulation. After 15 minutes, the LED was wheeled away and she massaged a divine-smelling shea butter moisturiser into the whole area, gently putting one hand on top of the other and tapping to create a vibrating sensation, which apparently aids lympatic drainage.
The process ended with a warning I should keep my buttocks hydrated for the next four or five days using a rich body lotion. Finally I sat up and, even without looking, I felt optimistic about the state of my derriere. Just knowing it’s had such a state-of-the-art treatment made me feel more confident.”
And so it should – at almost N100,000 per treatment, it is like sitting on a fortune.
Kim said it was worth it though. According to her: “After just one session, I was delighted, as was my husband, who commented on how smooth my bum felt. It felt firmer, the skin looks plump, its tone better, and my formerly dehydrated cheek felt soft like a baby’s bottom!”
For those of us who couldn’t afford to check in into one of these posh spas abroad, there is hope – if pampering your bum is the next fad on your to-do beauty list. Take a good look at your dressing table. All those little pots of expensive wonder creams that you’ve virtually stopped using now come in handy. So when next your ‘mama calabar’ oops, sorry your masseur, pays her once-a- week visit, instead of her using her dodgy looking olive oil as a massage, pass on those creams to her. Ask her to start on your bum first, kneading it as if it were a dough before slapping the day-light out of it. Don’t worry, she would know what to do. You can throw in that obsolete face mask for effect.
“After a few treatments, your bum should be the best for it. You can now disrobe as often as you like – in front of your mirror, (which should give you a clear picture of how your bum now books) amongst friends and more daringly, with your salivating other half waiting to pounce. Surely, anything to boost your confidence and improve your waning love-life should be worth all that bother”.
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